If I Owned YuGiOh!
by DJ Moves
Summary: What would happen if Yu-Gi-Oh! was owned by me. Complete.


IF THE WORLD HAD GONE TO HELL AND DJ OWNED YU-GI-OH!  
  
Author: DJ Rating: Um...a real liberal R Notes: As you can see from the title, I don't own Yu-Gi-Hh. The only reason I've rated it R is because it contains subjects that under normal circumstances would be real...R-ish. The only thing is that they're done in a comical way and are blunt with little or no detail. I mock a lot of characters, but I still love them as much as the others. No offence. You have been warned. "*" indicates action done by me.  
  
If I owned Yu-Gi-Oh!, several things would happen. Like, *grabs Kaiba* Kaiba would remain just as bitchy as he already is--  
  
"Hey!"  
  
*Covers Kaiba's mouth* But, he may not like it what I WOULD change. Stay here, Kaiba. *Skips off and returns with Joey*  
  
"You! You worthless little dog, I--"  
  
"Hey, yo, waz goin on here?"  
  
Well, let me explain it in a way a New Jersey person would understand. You approach Kaiba.  
  
Joey looks at Kaiba, shrugs, and walks over to Kaiba.  
  
And then you start fighting.  
  
"Imbecile." "Bastard." "Worthless dog." "Spoiled brat!" "Bitch--"  
  
Then Kaiba would final admit how he feels.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
How you feel about Joey.  
  
Kaiba turns back to Joey. "Joey, the reason I'm so rude to you is because I love you, not Serenity, stupid rumors, but you. I want to fuck your brains out."  
  
Very good. Joey? How would you respond?  
  
"Well, Kaiba, that explains a lot, like why you always want me to get on my knees 'like the humble dog' I am."  
  
Bada-bing, bada-boom, Kaiba/Joey sex!  
  
Kaiba proceeds to grab Joey and make out with him.  
  
"Hey wait a minute!"  
  
Yes Yugi?  
  
"How are you getting them to do what you say?"  
  
Because. I own them.  
  
"Do you own me?"  
  
Yup.  
  
"What are you going to do to me?"  
  
*Whistles* Look, it's Yami Bakura, known here on out as simply Bakura!  
  
"Hello Yugi."  
  
"Look! It's Bakura is no longer here!"  
  
What?  
  
"Well, he never really told us his name."  
  
Damnit. His name is Bakura. The keeper of the Millennium Ring, your friend, is Ryou. Now, back to my hellish ways.  
  
Bakura raises his eyebrow at the sight of Kaiba and Joey making out, but continues on to Yugi. "You know, Yugi, it's Yami who is my nemesis, not you."  
  
"Um...okay..."  
  
Bakura puts his arm around Yugi's shoulders. "So...want to go somewhere to talk?"  
  
"Now hold it right there!"  
  
*Thinks "Damnit, I knew Yami would ruin this. I should have tied him up! Mmmm...bondage..."* Yami, what are you doing here?  
  
"To stop Yugi from making a very big mistake! Yugi, you are so pure hearted and clean, don't let that evil Grave Robber," thinks, 'and virginity robber of royalty...' "taint you! Let me sow my seeds in you!"  
  
"Um...what?"  
  
"I think he thinks you've never had sex before."  
  
"Pfff, not true. Don't think that I haven't made used of Kaiba's holographic capabilities. Me and Dark Magician have gotten real close."  
  
Everyone stops and stares at Yugi, except Kaiba and Joey, who continue to make out, but Kaiba gives him and thumbs up sign.  
  
You know, Yami, you've sure made Yugi a lot of enemies. Kaiba, Bakura, Marik...  
  
"What are you trying to say?!"  
  
Nothing, just that...Bakura is going to make sweet love to Yugi down by the fire. *Lights a match and throws it on a pile of Blue Eyes White Dragon cards* That's why there's only three left. Proceed, Bakura, Yugi.  
  
Bakura smooth talks his way into Yugi's pants.  
  
You know what? I just had a thought. Labyrinth Wall is actually much stronger than Blue Eyes White Dragon.  
  
Kaiba mumbles through Joey's lips, "What?"  
  
Well, to get Blue Eyes White Dragon on the field, you need two sacrifices. Labyrinth Wall only needs one.  
  
Yami raises his eyebrow. "So? That's only defense."  
  
But with Sword and Shield, it's just a powerful.  
  
Kaiba pulls away from Joey. "Damnit. All this fuss over nothing. If only I had a way to do that. It would really annoy the hell out of my opponent."  
  
Joey hands Kaiba his Sword and Shield. "Here, I don't need it. I was just Dueling to get your attention."  
  
Kaiba smiles and proceeds to make out with Joey some more.  
  
Yami sighs, alone.  
  
"Bakura?"  
  
Bakura looks up from pulling Yugi's pant off to see Ryou standing right over him. "Yes?"  
  
"Can I join?"  
  
"No, go bother someone else, your just a vessel for me, you weren't even Yugi's friend in the beginning and suddenly you're all chummy. You're like Tristan and Tea. No one really likes you."  
  
"Oh." Walks up to Kaiba and Joey. "Can I join?"  
  
"No," Kaiba mumbles, still kissing Joey.  
  
Rubs his head against Kaiba like a lonely cat. "Please?"  
  
Kaiba grabs Mokuba by the shirt collar and pulls him toward Ryou. Stops making out long enough to say, "Here, keep yourself busy."  
  
Yami butts in and asks, "Did you just give the brother you adore so much to some sex-deprived boy?"  
  
Kaiba shrugs, still making out with Joey.  
  
Yami sighs again, but is slightly relieved when they begin playing some chess type game.  
  
Aww, Ryou, I love you. That was just Bakura being mean and evil.  
  
"But you own him."  
  
No one owns Bakura. Except maybe--  
  
"Bakura!"  
  
Marik (I follow the English version, not the Japanese, that's why there's no sad attempts to throw in Japanese phrases) enters the room.  
  
"Nani?" (Okay, so maybe one...it means "What?")  
  
Marik grabs Bakura by the shirt and throws him against the wall. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Proceeding to have sex with someone who doesn't make me have three-ways with his Millennium Stick."  
  
"It's a rod! A fucking rod, you imbecile! Yugi is our enemy!"  
  
"No, that's Yami." Points to where Yami stands alone, who gives a small little wave.  
  
"Bakura! I have a new way to get rid of him and take his power! You must commit suicide to kill him!"  
  
Bakura stares at Marik, along with everyone else, except Kaiba and Joey who enjoying each other's tongues. Bakura slowly says, "You know, Marik, that makes absolutely no sense."  
  
"MAR-IK-OH!" Dun, dun, dun, dun! "It is I, the even crazier, psycho Yami (for lack of better name to call him) Marik! I'm so off-beat, that when my father MADE me get a tattoo, a kicked and screamed and killed him!"  
  
Bakura, eyes wide, "Oh shit."  
  
"Yes, I am so psycho, not even Bakura can stand me."  
  
Wow, Marik, the first time I ever heard of you was in some fanfic I scanned over that made no sense where at some point, when Bakura needed to talk to you, he found you feeding ducks.  
  
Yami Marik stares at me. "Okay..."  
  
You realize you're going to end up like the first series, Enchanted Mermaid card, and the Pandora's leg-chopping blades.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Edited. Hardly any evil. Because, you know, us Americans are so explicit, violent, and vulgar, Japanese anime must be edited for our viewing sake.  
  
"It's because the show is targeted to 7 year olds here in America. It's much different in Japan. It's for at least 16 year olds." Finally realizes that while we were talking, Bakura snuck out with Yugi. "Curses!" Sits and begins to pout.  
  
*Sighs contently and smiles at my bitches.* Life is good.  
  
"Lonely...I'm so lonely."  
  
Shut up, Yami. Oh, it's you, Dark Magician. What seems to be the problem?  
  
"Everyone is hooked up with someone else. Woe is me."  
  
"Not me!" Yami screams but is ignored.  
  
Well, after that Duel with Pandora, his Dark Magician, now being called Evil Dark Magician, had had his eye on you.  
  
"Really?" Dark Magician asks all perky.  
  
Evil Dark Magician comes in and wraps his arm around Dark Magician's waist, protectively.  
  
Yeah, and he has a twin, too.  
  
The other Evil Dark Magician comes in and takes his hand.  
  
And then there's the...ah...well, the other Dark Magician who's got this kinda pink look to him with yellow hair. It's their cousin.  
  
Pink Dark Magician begins to run his hand seducing up and down Dark Magician's pole...I mean rod...I mean...his magician wand-thing.  
  
Have a nice four-gy!  
  
They walk off.  
  
All is silent before Yami whispers, "Why am I so alone?"  
  
Kaiba finally breaks the kiss with Joey. "Do you people mine? Some of us are nailing Joey! Keep it down!"  
  
Sighs again, shaking his head.  
  
Celtic Guardian! What's wrong?  
  
"Dark Magician left me. No one loves me."  
  
*Snaps fingers*  
  
Celtic Guardian looks down as his leg where Kuriboh is humping him. "Yea!" Skips off with Kuriboh.  
  
Duke Devlin comes in followed by Pegasus. "But Duke-y, wookey! I love you more than Cecile!"  
  
"You never paint me!"  
  
"I've given up paint..."  
  
Holds up his hand. "Whatever. Tell your story somewhere else. I don't care." Smiles tauntingly at Yami. "So...want to go hook up?"  
  
Yami raises his eyebrows and asks me, "Why me and Duke?"  
  
Because he's so gay and hot and because you're so closeted and hot. And I ran out of people to have hook up with you. Pegasus may be Yugi's father according to rumors and I'm not crossing that line.  
  
"But the Dark Magicians--"  
  
Do you want to die alone again?  
  
Yami grabs Duke's hand and runs out of the room, dragging him along.  
  
Pegasus shrugs, "Oh well, I guess Kemo and I don't have to cover up our affair anymore. I am free to paint him as much as I want!"  
  
We could already tell, Pegasus.  
  
"Oh." Walks away.  
  
So Marik, where'd your Yami go?  
  
"He ran out of duck food."  
  
So what's new?  
  
"I'm in seto."  
  
Excuse me?  
  
"You know, 'seto'? Turmoil?"  
  
Oh, yeah, yeah.  
  
"You know that some strange people find eating Kaiba to be a real delicacy."  
  
What?!  
  
"You know, 'kaiba'? Seahorse? Fried and with a little butter its not so bad."  
  
Oh...no...can't say I knew that.  
  
"You know, when I was much younger, I had Mokuba all to myself. Sometimes I'd ride him all day long."  
  
WHAT?!  
  
"You know, a wooden horse? A rocking horse?"  
  
Okay, Marik, you have to be quiet, they gave you such a nerdy voice I'm scarred.  
  
"But I have a question."  
  
What's that?  
  
"What if James and Brock from Pokemon and Kaiba all got together?"  
  
Um...huh?  
  
"Wouldn't it be considered masturbation?"  
  
Okay, Marik, you're done. You really are crazy...just not in the way I thought.  
  
Joey pushes Kaiba off of him a bit, who begins kissing at his neck. "Huh? I'm confused."  
  
Oh, yeah, Kaiba's voice? Done by the same guy who kinda...does own you, or at least has some rights or something...your director...and the guy who does the voices for all them.  
  
"Really? Wow. I always expected Hotihorri from Fuushigi Yuugi, Pegasus, and James from Pokemon to be the same guy, but wow! You know what's funny? When you hear Yugi's and Yami's voice on Pokemon."  
  
Yeah, he's also a singer. Toured with Ringo Starr. And I'VE seen Ringo Starr live! (Plus, my mom's friend's dad worked at the airport the Beatles landed in on one of their American tours and got their autographs) And that means I'm the only person who really truly comes close to owning Yu-Gi- Oh!.  
  
"And your dad was thrown in jail with the members of Cream and hung out backstage with Humble Pie. They've all had some connection to Ringo Starr or another Beatle."  
  
Thank you Marik!"  
  
"And you met the chick who wrote Fuushigi Yuugi who had a show of the same title who's voice for the Japanese Tomehome and Japanese Kaiba are one and the same.  
  
Are you...TRYING to sound like a nerd?  
  
"I already do, I might as well be a smart as one."  
  
Question, are you wearing anything under that robe? Well, obviously no shirt, but pants?  
  
Marik blushes. "I feel more free this way."  
  
That is just disgusting. 


End file.
